i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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