Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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