Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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