I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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