I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
