I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
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