woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
