watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
