I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
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