Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
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