Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
