I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
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