ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
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