I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
