Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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