When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
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