cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
