You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Randomize
