I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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