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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
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