anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize