i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
