My hair reeks of homosexuality.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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