ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
