It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
