Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Randomize
