So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
