My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
