Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
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