She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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