Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
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