I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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