I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
