I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
