one might say we're banned from that church
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
