Soap is not a condiment
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
So apparently I’m into choking now
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