She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
