I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
