It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
