How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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