Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
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