Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
i want to swaddle you in tequila
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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