This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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