the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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