just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
