Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
