I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
We got so high we made milksteak
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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