Duck Duck Cougar?
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
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