I think my fart just growled at me.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
