i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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