Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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