Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
