This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
