i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
