I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
