is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
