my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
