Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
