hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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