Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
