every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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